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Basic Toilet Humor

Toilet humor has long been the comfort zone in everyday journalism, and publications remain attentive of notable bog-related stories and key events, especially in relation to football. Readers were entertained to find out that a prominent writer Adrian Chiles has a West Brom-themed urinal in his house. Consider the situation regarding the Barnsley supporter who understood the bathroom rather too directly, and had to be saved from an empty Oakwell stadium after falling asleep on the loo during halftime of a 2015 loss by Fleetwood. “He had no shoes on and misplaced his cellphone and his hat,” elaborated an official from the local fire department. And everyone remembers when, at the height of his fame playing for City, Mario Balotelli visited a nearby college to use the facilities back in 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, before entering and requesting the location of the toilets, afterward he visited the teachers' lounge,” a student told the Manchester Evening News. “After that he was just walking through the school like he owned the place.”

The Lavatory Departure

Tuesday marks 25 years to the day that Kevin Keegan resigned from the England national team following a short conversation inside a lavatory booth with FA director David Davies in the underground areas of Wembley, following that infamous 1-0 defeat by Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the legendary venue. As Davies recalls in his journal, his confidential FA records, he stepped into the wet struggling national team changing area immediately after the match, only to find David Beckham in tears and Tony Adams motivated, the two stars urging for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan walked slowly through the tunnel with a blank expression, and Davies located him seated – just as he was at Anfield in 1996 – in the corner of the dressing room, saying quietly: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies tried desperately to salvage the situation.

“Where on earth could we find for a private conversation?” remembered Davies. “The passageway? Swarming with media. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The bathing section? I couldn't conduct an important discussion with the national coach while athletes jumped in the pool. Merely one possibility emerged. The restroom stalls. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history occurred in the ancient loos of a venue scheduled for destruction. The coming demolition was almost tangible. Pulling Kevin into a stall, I closed the door after us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I'll announce to journalists that I'm not competent. I can’t motivate the players. I can't extract the additional effort from these athletes that's required.’”

The Aftermath

Therefore, Keegan stepped down, eventually revealing he viewed his period as Three Lions boss “without spirit”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I found it hard to fill in the time. I ended up coaching the blind squad, the hearing-impaired team, supporting the female team. It's a tremendously tough role.” English football has come a long way over the past twenty-five years. Regardless of improvement or decline, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers are no longer present, whereas a German currently occupies in the dugout where Keegan once perched. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: Three Lions supporters, appreciate this period. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football acts as a memory that circumstances weren't consistently this positive.

Real-Time Coverage

Follow Luke McLaughlin at 8pm UK time for Women’s Bigger Cup updates regarding Arsenal versus Lyon.

Today's Statement

“There we stood in a long row, in just our underwear. We were Europe’s best referees, top sportspeople, examples, adults, parents, strong personalities with strong principles … however all remained silent. We scarcely made eye contact, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously when we were requested to advance in couples. There Collina examined us thoroughly with an ice-cold gaze. Mute and attentive” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson shares the degrading procedures match officials were formerly exposed to by previous European football refereeing head Pierluigi Collina.

Soccer Mailbag

“What does a name matter? A Dr Seuss verse exists named ‘Too Many Daves’. Have Blackpool suffered from Too Many Steves? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been shown through the door marked ‘Do One’. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not completely! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie continue to oversee the primary team. Complete Steve forward!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and distributed some merchandise, I've chosen to type and make a pithy comment. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations on the school grounds with children he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his option to move to Nottingham Forest. As an enduring Tottenham follower I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware however the sole second-year prize I envision him securing near the Trent River, if he remains that duration, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|